Sexual Health + Identity

What It Means to Identify as Agender

Thinking beyond the binary.
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Not all of us are fluent in the language of gender, and too often, we confuse gender with sex, which can leave room for a lot of confusion. The two words are related, but they are not interchangeable, and it’s all way easier to understand when you differentiate the two. Sex is the biological sum of your parts: physical anatomy, hormones, and your chromosomes. All of these can be individually changed to the point of legally altering your sex from something other than the sex you were assigned at birth. Gender is something entirely different, and to understand agender identity, you should first understand gender and the language used to explain it. If sex is your biology, then your gender identity is how you perceive yourself. Your gender identity can align with your biological sex, it can be in opposition to it.

Since we are just recently finding the right language to explain gender, it may come as a surprise to some that there are more than just two (binary) options. Not everyone’s gender identity falls into a variation of masculine and feminine, which is how we came to understand that gender is non-binary. Agender identity falls under this non-binary umbrella, so we spoke with Dr. Meredith Chapman, a psychiatrist at the Children's Health Genecis Program in Dallas, which focuses on helping children and teens with issues surrounding gender dysphoria — when an individual does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. We also speak to Mya, a teen who identifies as agender.

According to Dr. Chapman, “There’s a lot of overlap in the terminology. Agender typically means being genderless, without a gender identity or gender neutral. Terms used by the healthcare community and transgender and gender-nonconforming people (TGNC) are constantly changing and progressing. Definitions are not always agreed upon or set in stone. Genderqueer, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming are some terms used to describe a person whose gender identity does not match with the binary model of gender like man/male/boy or woman/female/girl. A person who is agender sees themselves as neither man nor woman, has no gender identity, or no gender to express. This is an example of someone who may also identify as genderqueer or non-binary. Similar terms to agender include genderless, gender neutral, and neutrois.”

Because the language of gender is still evolving, a lack of consensus on terms and definitions means it is up to the individual person to decide how to define themselves. This is how Mya explains their gender identity: “I take agender a bit literally, in that my gender is more about the lack of it. Growing up, I never had that sense of being a guy, girl, or something else. My gender simply isn't there.”

One of the most important things when it comes to gender identity and respecting individuality is pronoun choice. “Agender people can use whatever pronouns they are most comfortable with, so it’s important to ask,” says Dr. Chapman. “Just asking, though, can sometimes feel awkward or uncomfortable.”

“An example might be, ‘People refer to me as she and her; what pronouns do you use?’ Also you can use gender-neutral pronouns like they/them or ze (pronounced zee like the letter ‘z’)/hir (pronounced like here) instead of gendered pronouns like he or she. Some other agender people may wish to use typically male (he or him) or female (she or her) pronouns.”

We asked Mya about pronouns they use. “They/them/theirs. It is a pronoun that is still being debated, but it fits me best,” says Mya. “I was very excited to see the American Dialect Society declare ‘they’ as 2015’s word of the year. ” Asking about pronouns is so important because you can’t tell what someone’s gender identity is by just looking at them — it’s internal. How you express your gender to the outside world is something else entirely. “I don’t generally attach how I express myself to my gender,” says Mya. “I'm all about wearing clothing that is comfortable, doing things that make me feel good about myself. So far, that has meant keeping my hair short. Beyond that, how I express myself depends more on the weather than my gender.”

“Gender identity is a person’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, neither, etc. Gender identity is how an individual perceives themself and what they call themself,” explains Dr. Chapman. “It can be the same or different from the sex assigned at birth. Gender expression is the ways in which people externally communicate their gender identity to others. Gender can be expressed through name, clothing, hair style, behaviors/mannerisms, and even voice.”

Don’t worry, it’s not complicated once you get used to the language, that’s how Mya figured out their identity. “In high school I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance club and learned about transgender and non-binary people,” says Mya. “Once I had the words to describe my gender, things quickly fell into place. My story is why I love how more and more kids are growing up with words to describe their identities. Last year my GSA witnessed an influx of kids who were already fluent in gender and sexuality. They knew more than the club officers! I think that’s awesome.”

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Beyond learning the language, another important step in understanding each other’s gender is to acknowledge individual struggles as much as we can. The biggest struggle for those who fall into the non-binary gender umbrella is that people without any knowledge on the subject decide to dismiss its existence rather than to just learn about it. When your peers or family dismiss how you feel about yourself, it will certainly have effects on your mental health.

“TGNC teens are at increased risk of depression, anxiety, suicide, drug and alcohol use, homelessness, and victimization,” says Dr. Chapman. “Non-binary teens like those that identify as agender may be at even greater risk of physical and sexual assault and suicide. Agender teens face other kinds of issues too; their gender identity may be hard to explain to others, our language, which is very much gender based, can be exclusive, and they may frequently be misgendered by others.”

For Mya, the biggest misconception they face about their gender identity is “definitely that it doesn't exist, or that I'm just trying to get attention.” Agender people, and non-binary people in general, are often perceived by the general population as a joke.

“We are viewed as these teenagers on the internet making up labels and being too ‘sensitive,’ despite the fact that there have always been people who existed outside of the gender binary, in all cultures, in all time periods. With so few role models, it's easy to feel like I'm not real or just making things up. But I am real, and that's what is important.”

And if you want to do something to show your support for the agender and non-binary community as a whole, “educate yourself, listen, respect pronouns and presentation (gender expression), and don’t make assumptions like there are only two genders or that all non-binary people identify or express their gender in the same way,” says Dr. Chapman. Furthermore, just because you know someone who identifies agender or non-binary, that doesn’t mean they are your replacement for a Google search.

“Respect is key,” Mya says. “If I’m going to have a conversation about my gender, it needs to be just that, a conversation, not a debate or argument. Personally, I don't mind people asking questions. It’s the intent that matters; as long as they have an open mind and honest intentions, I'd rather they ask. I love being able to broaden people's concept of gender. Of course, I don't speak for all transgender and non-binary people. Others have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to field questions.”

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For additional information teens can visit Gender Spectrum and The Trevor Project.

Related: More Colleges Are Finally Embracing the Spectrum of Gender Identification